Late (2)...

The support I've received from my fellow bloggers has given me the courage to buy a pregnancy test. I've just done it, and I'm typing this while I wait for the result.

I'm still as confused as I was in my last post, but I've been thinking a bit more rationally after hearing about some other people's experiences (both on the interweb and in RL).

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I've just checked the test and it says I'm pregnant. Shit.

I guess I now need to book and appointment with my doctor to get it confirmed and to talk about my options.

Keep sending your love my way - I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

**UPDATE**

I've been to see my doctor, and I am now officially 5 weeks pregnant. I've been through all my options, and now face what will probably be the hardest decision of my life. My OH is a bit overwhelmed, but at least he has now told me how he feels about all this. That has helped me no end on the roller coaster I've been riding for the last two weeks, as has the comments and wishes I've received from others (you know who you are!).

Late...

I'm late, and I need to get some stuff out of my head, so please don't judge me or any decisions I make here. If you don't feel you can do that, please leave now.

Still with me? OK. I am two weeks late and counting. I have got to the point where one minute I am planning the future - thinking about baby names, wondering if I'd prefer a girl or a boy, and the next I am thinking NO WAY. I'm so confused!

This sounds selfish, but I am young and I need to further my career in order to finance a family. This was my plan, to get qualified then start a family in about two or three years time. So logic says that I should continue with this plan because I can't afford to start a family now.

Logic = abortion, but human beings have the curse otherwise known as feelings, in particular guilt. Can I really deny another human the right to live? If I am pregnant and end up having an abortion, will I regret it for the rest of my life? Will I always think about what might have been? What happens if this ends up being my only chance of having children and I throw it away?

My OH is not really helping. He says that he will support me whatever my decision, but refuses to say what he'd prefer me to do. He thinks that if he does he'll influence my decision and if I regret that decision later on he'll be blamed. I just want to know what he thinks. I'm scared and I want to know if he's scared too. Are these same thoughts running through his head?

Arrgh.

I thought that writing some of this stuff down would help me to see things a bit more clearly, but it's not. If anything I am more confused than ever.

Busy Times...

I realise that I havn't posted anything for a while now and I apologise! I've had yet more exams to take, started in a new job, taken a hobby in a new direction, and made the changes you see here.

I'm exhausted! I've not had any time for sex whatsoever. I've not even had time to masturbate - my head has hit the pillow and I've started to snore before I've even thought about it. This a sorry state of affairs indeed.

I hope to have more free time over the next couple of weeks as things calm down a little, so hopefully I'll be able to post a bit more often. Until then, I'll just say that I've been using my Ben-Wa balls a lot, and I love them! I feel so naughty knowing that they're inside me when I'm busy working at my desk! :)